dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
