I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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