Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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