I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
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