I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
