so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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