Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
