Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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