ya dads aren't the best wingmen
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
