hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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