i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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