just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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