how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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