I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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