the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
