Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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