I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
