look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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