You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
