Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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