Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
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And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
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Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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