totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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