I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
