did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
