I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
