at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
