I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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