i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
