worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
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She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
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Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm really busy with my period
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