I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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