Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
