its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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