oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
