Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
