I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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