Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
