Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
