I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
