Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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