her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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