My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
