I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
