I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Also, beer. Big fan.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
