john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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