My hand turned me down
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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