Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
