I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
