I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
