I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
COCAINE IS GR8
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
