Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
