he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
