Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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