wrigley field is MILF paradise
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
