wakey wakey hands off snakey
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
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