Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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