Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
