90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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