im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My vagina is very pro this idea
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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