who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
