god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
