my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
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He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
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Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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