dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
