Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
