All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
