3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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