I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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